WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
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Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers