I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
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Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
How funny!
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
(before sex)
*sings national anthem