Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
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“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Dolls on drugs
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot