A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
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“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)