Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Cool shirt 🙂
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.