Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn