My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
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[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
BaD BoY!!
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.