Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

I want to meet the individual who made this

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

Bro what is this

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.