(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
You Might Also Like
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
every single time
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.