Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
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I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
😭😭
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Did I do this right
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.