I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
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People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Try and stop me.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life