date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
You Might Also Like
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.