Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
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My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH