*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
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It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Tell me you get it…🤣
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.