Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
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Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Get in loser we’re going crying
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
crochet youtube is brutal
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.