Get in loser we’re going crying
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[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
what could possibly go wrong?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Challenge accepted.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.