Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
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FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.