I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
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How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
new wife guy just dropped
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
men are simple creatures
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off