agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
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Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.