“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
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No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Pretty much! 😂👀
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.