Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
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Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Effort made
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice