a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
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As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again