When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
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Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS