Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
You Might Also Like
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.