Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
You Might Also Like
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
asked my bf how work was today
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no