I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
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My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
me and who
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?