me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
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It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
You have been warned.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.