I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.