Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
You Might Also Like
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”