I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
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Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
need a new bf mines broken 😐
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss