Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

my sentiments exactly

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name