I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
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*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
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BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?