Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

Girl, same.

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

#catsoftwitter

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.