I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
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“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍