physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
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I don’t get marriage
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.