I don’t understand what’s happening here.
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realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
🤣🤣
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
men are simple creatures