Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
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when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice