I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
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Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”