HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
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me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
what it’s like dating me:
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.