Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
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“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread