*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
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I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Kids: Stay in school.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.