I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
You Might Also Like
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*