For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
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Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I ate everything, including the H.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.