My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
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boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Effort made
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.