Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
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The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.