[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
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math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Said the murderer.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Ovenable?
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.