You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
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Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!