Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

💀

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.