Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
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Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Tell the colonel to bring it
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
#milo
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit