No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
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People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium