FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
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I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
smh
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what