business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Worlds greatest photobomb
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”