If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
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[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
is this a warning or an offer?
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.